I’ve heard boundaries described as rowing your own boat and letting others row theirs. (A Little Time for Myself, May, 21) When I first realized my son was using alcohol and drugs, I immediately abandoned my boat and jumped into his to take over the oars. Of course, there was resistance to my efforts to steer his life in the direction I thought it should take. I had no real power as he was over 18. All I succeeded to do was shame him and frustrate myself. Thank God I found Al-Anon!
I had no concept of boundaries prior to the program. I felt responsible for everything that happened under my roof. Learning that addiction is a disease – and that I hadn’t caused him to become an alcoholic and couldn’t control or cure him – allowed me to begin to let go of the burden I felt.
Developing boundaries helped me to detach from my son. At first, detachment sounded cruel. How could I detach from this person I gave birth to? But detachment isn’t amputation. I could give him the respect of personhood and treat him like an adult even though I grieved his choices. I returned the oars of his life to him and began steering my own boat in the direction of recovery. This meant changing my focus from what he was doing to what I wanted for myself. I had a husband who was also grieving our son, but we had very different ways of dealing with the situation. Rather than focusing on our differences, we began focusing on our relationship.
It took several years in Al-Anon before I reached the point of truly letting my son go. I had ignored his coming and going, but one day I realized I was ready to do what had been unthinkable. I told him it was time for him to move out and figure out what he wanted with his life. As I look back on this afternoon, I see it as a gift to both of us. I spoke in love, not anger. I showed respect for his ability to live his own life, to make his own choices. A week later, I drove him and a few belongings to a friend’s place where he could sleep on the couch.
Al-Anon allows us to love our alcoholics and find happiness whether they stop drinking or not. Not all of our loved ones find sobriety when we let go of their oars and row our own boats, but many do – when we give them the dignity of their own consequences. I’m proud to say that I am the mother of an alcoholic – and we are both in recovery.
Joyce P. February 19, 2026
Image by Paul Brennan from Pixabay
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