Who Would You Be?

Who would you be if you were not afraid?

Only in Al-Anon would I ever be asked this question. And the answer is a deep-dive into this recovery program that has taken me from fear and resentment into a place of peace and serenity thanks to the willingness of others to share their experience, strength and hope.

I remember what it was like to be afraid. I constantly looked to others for approval and needed the validation of smiles. I didn’t know how to say No and resented others because of it. I cowered before my husband’s anger; if he was mad at me, I tried extra hard to win back his favor. I pretended things were OK when my son dropped old friends and interests to hide away in his room. I desperately tried to manage his addiction by wishful thinking mixed with manipulation and guilting. I grew depressed, crying at the mere mention of his name. My every thought was to fix what was wrong with him, with my marriage, …yet nothing I tried worked. Fear of the “What-ifs” kept me looking for yet more ways to manage others. I was afraid to inhabit my own life.

I spent so much time trying to escape my fears that I failed to see that I had a problem. Actually, I WAS the problem. My thinking was so twisted that I needed others to behave according to my ideas of what was appropriate for them. It led to estrangement, anger and despair. I clearly remember the feeling of relief, that lifting of a burden from my shoulders, when I finally understood that I had not caused my son’s addiction, that I couldn’t control it or him, and that I didn’t have the cure. I took seriously the 3 G’s and Got off his back, Got out of his way, and Got on with my life. What freedom! I had been given the keys to my own life! What did I want to make of it?

I knew I wanted to stay with my husband and, if we were to remain together, it only made sense to make our relationship as good as it could be. I realized that my constant seeking of approval was annoying to him and debilitating to my own sense of self-worth. I learned to laugh at myself and not take everything personally. It began with simply saying, “You could be right.” And, not picking up the argument. I learned to make amends to him rather than defend my position to save face. The first time I did this Step 10 work with him, I was amazed at his positive response and my sense of joy at finally behaving like an adult! We forgave each other for past wrongs – a mutual decision that I am thankful he was willing to make. Even addiction can have a silver lining: my journey of recovery due to my son’s disease saved my marriage.

Today I lead the life I choose. I have moved out of the guest house and into the mansion that is mine to inhabit. Of course, I still love the approval of my friends and family, but I am not dependent on it for my happiness. I can say No gently. And if I say Yes when I really would rather not, I own my decision. As my fear lessened, my boundaries grew stronger, making it easier to let others just BE. I no longer try to manage and manipulate my son. Thanks to the God of his understanding, he found sobriety in the rooms of AA after I stopped playing God’s role. My life has changed, since frightened and desperate, I attended my first Al-Anon meeting. The program has given me freedom to confidently make my own choices with the help of my Higher Power. He is in charge and will redeem any situation I place in his hands.

With gratitude, Joyce P. (March 2023)