It was over 24 years ago that I was living in a state of constant confusion, anxiety, and chaos when, by the grace of my God, I found my way to the rooms of Al-Anon. I had been married over 25 years and we had three children very close in age. Dan was a very hard-working, responsible guy who also loved beer. He told me before we married that he wouldn’t ever stop drinking or smoking. (It wasn’t like I wasn’t warned.) After a day of hard work, he started his daily routine of relaxing by drinking a six-pack or more with a friend or two, doing projects or just hanging in the garage smoking and listening to music.
In the meantime, I was struggling to manage my life as a wife, mother, employee, and daughter. I was trying to be “Super Woman” and take care of everyone and everything. Yet, I never saw myself as being a controlling person (denial ~ until I found Al-Anon). I never made time for myself and was afraid and hesitant to tell him I wanted to go for a drink or spend time with friends because I was fearful of his accusations and attitude (both before and after) despite my checking in with him. I also didn’t think I had time for everything and after all, shouldn’t I put everything else before me? I was not taking care of myself.
Eventually I crashed and burned. I did not know or understand why I would cry at the drop of a hat and overreact to everything. Although I was feeling anger, sadness, and resentment among other overblown emotions, I did not acknowledge or recognize that I had a problem, nor did I understand my feelings. I began doubting my own ability to decipher what was true and what was not. I blamed all my unhappiness on Dan. My life had become unmanageable. I needed help.
God had placed two special women in my life and despite our many years of early, daily morning walks together, we were unaware we were all living parallel lives (secrecy). They, too, were married to drinking husbands; they encouraged me to try Al-Anon. Finally, one day, in a mad rage and state of desperation, not knowing where to go, I found myself running to my first Al-Anon meeting, alone. It was where I needed to be, and I haven’t ever left.
I learned to listen in these rooms which was a new phenomenon for me. The program opened my ears and eyes to the disease of alcoholism and the effects it has on others. I heard and read my story in the shares and literature. I learned how much responsibility I had for the disagreements, arguments, and lack of communication we experienced. I recently watched a home video of me in action. I was struggling to get my pasta machine working; I then went out to Dan in the garage and could hear myself ranting and raving at him and coming in and slamming the door. A while later he meandered into the kitchen, drunk and oblivious, while I continued to storm around. It was terrible – it is clear evidence of my part and bad behaviors.
I danced the dance until I learned not to. I hung on to the three C’s: I didn’t Cause it. I can’t Control it and I can’t Cure it. I learned the three A’s: Awareness, Acceptance and Action. I started to understand the effects that another’s drinking had had on me and my family. The love, support, and fellowship I received in the rooms gave me hope for me, Dan, and our marriage (awareness). God reminded me how we had vowed our love and support for each other in his presence “for better, for worse, …in sickness and health… til’ death do us part…”. I stayed in the marriage and the rooms. I learned to take care of me. I use the many tools of the program: the Serenity Prayer, slogans, study of the Twelve Steps, Concepts and Traditions, my sponsor, service, relationship with my Higher Power, and the fellowship of all of you to see and understand that I matter (not necessarily in that order).
Eventually I learned to detach with kindness and love from the drinking and have compassion for my husband. He was living in his own nightmare of addiction. As a result of my recovery, his attitude towards me changed. He would often remind me that I needed a meeting when I slipped into old behaviors. I did not do it perfectly but little by little I found peace and personal serenity. It all happened in God’s time which I believe is always perfect. I try to continue One Day at a Time to live my life knowing and living in His will for me to remain in that beautiful space.
Dan stopped smoking years before but continued to drink daily until he was diagnosed with cancer in 2015 after which he drank only occasionally. He died three and a half years ago. I miss him dearly. Despite his continued drinking, Dan was always there for me as he had vowed. We lived a good life together with lots of love through all the ups and downs of married life because I stayed and listened to others in the rooms share their experience, strength and hope and tried to practice the tools and principles of the program in all my affairs. I am full of gratitude and thankfulness for this lifelong program that is always here for me and for each of you. Wishing you your Higher Power’s blessing for a happy, healthy, healing, and serene 2022… and beyond!!
In love, peace, and service,
Rosemary A. (January 2022)
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