In the later part of the 1980’s I came to Al-Anon depressed, hopeless, and having an internal war with myself about what to do regarding my husband’s alcohol and substance abuse and my failure to change him. I took this wonderful program to heart and learned I was fighting a losing battle. The only person I could change was me, and I did. I became a loving partner to my husband again and allowed him the dignity to live his own life while I lived mine as we shared our lives together whether he was drinking and using or not. After about five years I stopped actively participating in Al-Anon although I continued to use many of the things I had learned.
I returned to Al-Anon in 2012, again at rock bottom: depressed, hopeless, and miserable because I was unable to control my physical body and health. I was sick in mind, body, and spirit with my disease of trying to control the uncontrollable and failing at it. I knew where to go for help and so I returned and stayed these past 13 years.
Step 12 states: Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs. I came back to Al-Anon to work at that last part, “practice these principles in all our affairs.” I still struggle with my self will running riot at times. I learned early in life that I felt safe if I was in charge; I was in control. If I followed the rules, looked far enough ahead and planned well enough, all would be OK. Yeah, I know I wasn’t really in control but somehow I thought I was; I could be.
When I came back to Al-Anon that second time, I had been diagnosed with 4 autoimmune diseases and was in constant physical agony, the medical community was of little assistance and I would have been glad to leave this plane of existence. Over time I was guided by my Higher Power to discover that all four of my diagnoses were caused by my lack of gut flora and my inability to deal with oxalates which were getting into my blood stream and wreaking havoc in my body. Besides the supplements I take, the main thing I need to do is eat a low oxalate diet where I ingest no more than 40-60 mg. of oxalate per day. This is quite restrictive but, when I follow it, I am symptom-free and life is physically good. I share this because I want you to understand my latest episode of rationalizing and allowing self will to run riot again.
I generally rigorously follow my low oxalate, low FODMAPS diet but there are times like the past month or so when I sabotage myself for short term enjoyment and live in denial of the long-term consequences. My asparagus is sprouting and it is so yummy picked right out of the garden. I should eat only 1 or 2 spears in a day but I started telling myself it wouldn’t hurt to have 3 if one or two were smaller and then after I felt Ok I thought maybe I could have some every day. All the while my Higher Power was sending me messages, subtle physical symptoms I knew, but chose to ignore. I was choosing to eat larger servings and higher oxalate items. Then that mango sherbet looked so good I bought it and ate a little and then 3/4s of the pint another evening. By the next morning my body let me know I had gone way too far. I’m in a major fibromyalgia flare and it will have to run its course as I dump out all those stored oxalates from the past month’s over indulgence, all because I didn’t accept my Higher Power’s guidance. This is not the first time I have done this and unfortunately, it may not be the last.
It is another Al-Anon lesson for me about practicing these principles in all my affairs,…even my diet. I know I will always need Al-Anon because I have a disease; I want to control people, places, and things around me and even in me. I relapse when I allow the “I wants”, rationalization, justification, denial and self will take over instead of listening to and following my Higher Power’s direction and guidance.
Susan B. (4/21/2025)
Image by Else Siegel from Pixabay
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