Desperate and alone, I stumbled into the rooms of Al-Anon not because of someone’s drinking but because of my own incessant behavior. I was overly concerned with what my boyfriend thought, said, did, who he saw, and where he went. I was driving myself crazy. This was a pattern for me in all my past relationships. I was overly concerned, anxious, and losing myself. I wanted my life back.
In Al-Anon I learned that there were others like me. Even if we all looked different or were brought up differently, we could come together and honestly, without judgment, discuss our experience, strength, and hope. I began to focus on myself and, also to practice live and let live. The more I let go, the more love and understanding flowed between me and my partner. Over time, the shame that I was too much, unlovable, and defective began to melt away as I embraced the love of the group and of my Higher Power.
Today I continue to discover things about myself. With the help of a loving sponsor, I uncover all the things that make me beautiful and all the things that have caused me pain, and little by little, with the help of a Higher Power, I gain the courage to try something new. I forgive myself for not being perfect even when I fail, and I extend that same forgiveness to others.
Being in recovery does not devoid me of all of life’s problems. In fact, right now, I am dealing with so much. I recently gained the courage to come out to my dad, who I learned was the alcoholic in my upbringing. He did not take the news very well; but that does not mean I stop loving myself or that I stop loving him. In fact, I can both love him and be upset with his behavior. To me, the world is no longer black and white. What I do know is that recovery helps me remain soft at heart, calm, and connected to the things that matter. The things that would destroy my spirit no longer have the hold on me that they used to. I can take on life, one day at a time.
Sincerely,
Roy C. (July 2021)
Image by Igor Schubin from Pixabay
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