I came into Al-Anon in 1988 at the suggestion of my therapist. I was barely functioning and feeling so battle weary, hopeless, depressed, and fearful. I no longer liked the person I had become. I left my first meeting feeling better than when I arrived and hearing, “Take what you like and leave the rest.” made it possible for me to return knowing no one was going to tell me what I had to do.
Things I heard that changed my life:
The Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
It’s OK to love an alcoholic/addict. What an epiphany! I wasn’t a failure because I loved him. It was OK for me to choose to stay with him if that was what I wanted to do. It didn’t make me a bad mother. I quit the war I was having with myself and chose our marriage and family with the knowledge that this meant I had to change my behavior and attitude, or it would never work. If I loved him, I needed to be loving in action and attitude whether he was under the influence or not. I wanted him to know I loved him. He already knew how I felt about his using and what it did to him.
I didn’t cause it. I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it. This realization freed me from the bondage of trying and failing miserably to control my love and his disease.
Take care of yourself. Something I could do if I put First Things First, One Step at a Time and listened to my Higher Power. I found hope in Al-Anon that my life could be better. I could change me and work at being the person I aspired to be instead of the punitive woman I had become.
I was active in Al-Anon for about 4 years and then stopped going when life seemed to be on an even keel and busy. My partner chose sobriety for 6 years and then went through periods of on and off sobriety for many more. But even when I wasn’t going to Al-Anon I used the tools I had learned to detach from the disease and have love and compassion for the man. I am happy to say we have been married for 47 years now.
In 2012 I realized I was again in an insanity of my own making. My disease of trying to control the uncontrollable brought me to my knees once again. I had spent the past 10 years dealing with various personal health issues that required much adaptation of my own expectations of myself and life. My body had become unfamiliar to me, and I was sick at heart. I needed help and I knew where I could go. I returned to active membership in Al-Anon. It helps me stay focused on accepting what I can’t change and changing what I can. The tools of Al-Anon: Steps, Traditions and Concepts, listening to other’s experience, strength, and hope, sharing, sponsorship, literature, and service all help me live the life I have with gratitude instead of battling/pining for the life I thought I would have. It helps me deal with life, me, the people around me, and all that loving others brings. I am so grateful to be a part of this fellowship that helps me work at being the best me I can be.
Susan B. (November 2021)
Image by Douglas S. Burgess
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