First, I want to share. I never thought I would be writing for our newsletter, let alone writing at all. I have grown sooooo much here in Al-Anon. I am grateful for the program giving me boundaries I thought I could never have. I found my voice, I found my freedom from guilt, I found myself. What a gift.
My mother was my first qualifier. After that qualifiers followed in failed marriages and a failed life. The first time I was introduced to Al-Anon was in the late 70’s. A Commanding Officer told me to go to Al-Anon, my husband was to go to Oak Knoll Hospital, where he stayed for a year. I went, but for him, not for me. My children were small and I told them their dad was sick. That simple. A year after returning home we divorced and I threw away my ODAT (One Day at a Time) book and I was cured…..
I continued to have failed everything. My life was unmanageable. The stress made me physically and mentally ill. I was in denial of everything that I saw and everything I felt. I was nothing. My house was dark with vines growing all around the house, you couldn’t come through the front door. I felt trapped in my own home, afraid to cut the vines down or unblock the front door with just crap blocking the entrance. I lived in fear of retaliation, fearful of what might happen.
I returned to Al-Anon in March of 2012. I really don’t know what month it was. It could have been April. My hairdresser told me my hair was falling out. That was it. I came to Al-Anon. I know that sounds stupid. But that’s the truth. Well, my doctor was also telling me and maybe my friends. The very first meeting I felt I wasn’t alone. They had the ODAT book. After the meeting we held hands and I felt the strength in the room. I kept coming back.
The first few meetings I cried through most of them; my mother was dying and I was her caretaker. She passed away the day before Mother’s Day. I knew if I kept coming back, I could find help, that’s what they said. I wanted to be a better person; I wanted to take control of my life. I really didn’t have a sponsor until several months later. I found someone I could tell everything to. Someone I could trust. I was completely honest with her at our very first meeting. I needed her help. I got it.
I feel I have grown so much since then. I try to live by the steps and concepts in my everyday life. Years have passed since I poured out all the liquor, replaced it with vinegar and quietly placed it back on the shelf. The days of hiding in my basement for peace are gone too. My life has changed. I’ve learned to say NO. I’m taking care of myself. Instead of stinking thinking, I try to let it go. The Serenity Prayer is my secret. It’s in my everyday life. Let it begin with me.
Two years ago, my ex-husband committed suicide… I was numb. I was pissed. Why? AND, I was relieved he couldn’t hurt me anymore. Then I was mad for thinking that. So many emotions. My Al-Anon friends were there for me. I didn’t cause it, I can’t control it, and I can’t cure it.
Today I have choices. I will never graduate and am happy with that. My friends say I look happy…and I am. Sometimes my cheeks hurt from smiling so much and that’s good. I am making good choices in my life. My relationship with my brother has greatly improved. I have a boyfriend who is kind and understanding. Today you can walk through my front door. The vines all around my house are gone and I can just be me.
Thank you for letting me find myself. I am a forever grateful member of Al-Anon.
Kathy R September 2020
Image by Aristal Branson from Pixabay
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