Many moons ago, 12 years, actually, I reluctantly stumbled into the safety of an Al-Anon Beginners meeting on a Friday night. Lost, disillusioned and broken. Not knowing how I got to where I was and so sad about the mess of my life and the intense loneliness that engulfed me. My third husband had relapsed and was missing in action. My 20-year old daughter was totally confused in her quest to grow up and become independent, angry at having been abandoned by her father during her youth and yet again by me when I gave all of my attention to my addicted husband when she was just 16.
My 28-year old son had 4 children from 3 moms and was trying to recoup some semblance of security after serving 18 months in Santa Rita and living in his car and in shelters with the children off and on. Oh, the pain of it all. I can still feel it deep down in my soul. God led me to the rooms of Al-Anon. It was time for me to move on.
I slowly began to regularly attend meetings in different districts and my heart started to become lighter. I saw a reason to hope. I heard and felt the raw emotion and truth in all of you. I learned incredibly powerful slogans and felt the healing start to seep into the very essence of my being. It was subliminal and compelling. I kept coming back.
God stood by my side, encouraging me. Step Two held me firmly to trusting that the Al-Anon program is real and powerful. My sponsors showed me how it is possible to give love without judgment. My children needed that. I was absorbing every ounce of experience and strength that was shared by members in the rooms from the newcomers and old timers. As I worked my Steps and started to get busy in Al-Anon service, the wonders of learning a new way to live began.
I sponsored others, walking hand-in-hand through our journeys together. The butterfly effect was unfolding. Life presented beauty. I felt joy and peace. God was moving in me. I left my marriage 6 years ago. I retired in January after 50 years. In September, I emptied, renovated and sold my home of 23 years and am now looking for a new one outside of California. I stopped financially enabling my son 3 years ago and I returned my granddaughter back to his care last summer after 2-1/2 years as her guardian.
Today, I’m working hard to end the enmeshment with my daughter so that she may be free to live her own life. I am grateful that both of my adult children are starting to find clearer direction in their lives and have a spiritual foundation to rely upon. This is a miracle. Even though I struggle with my character defect of worrying about my unknown tomorrows, I am empowered by the experiences of living one day at a time and relying on God to care for me. It is only because of Step Three’s assurance that I am able to find the courage to keep on movin’ on.
Bev A. (November 2020)
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